The Pain of Loneliness

A couple of weeks ago, I referenced The Little Book of Hygge when I wrote about the Danish approach to making winter not just tolerable, but enjoyable.  In addition to physical comforts and beauty (like candles, fireplaces, blankets, hot drinks, and snow sports), the Danish emphasize being social.  They gather in small groups in the evenings to cook together, play board games,  talk and laugh.  The book explains the importance of this part of hygge: 

Researchers have found one common denominator among people who consider themselves happy.  They have meaningful and positive social relationships.  Studies show that when we experience social isolation, many of the same brain regions become ACTIVE that are active in the experience of physical pain.  

Isn’t that interesting?  I know this to be true.  In my depression, I have experienced this loneliness and the resulting physical pain.  But I want to clarify:  I am not literally lonely.  I have so many friends and family, more so than most people.  My loneliness is illusory, some kind of manifestation of the depression, a lie from Satan.  But the feeling is still there at times, and it’s physical pain.  A friend experiencing similar depression feels the same thing.  For her, it’s pain and burning in her chest.  For me, it’s a burning in my arms and gnawing in my stomach, like a parasite is eating me.  

So I think of the pain truly lonely people must feel, and it makes me feel so much compassion for them.  I want to reach out to them.  I want all of us to be watching for and including these people.  

But I realize we can only do so much because we only have room in our lives for a finite number of relationships.  So one way to navigate this conundrum is to help lonely people make connections with each other.  Invite them to church, do coffee with two or three people, invite them to a group activity and hang around with them but look for a key person or two to introduce them to.  

Another thing to remember is that God never commands us to “entertain” others in the sense our society uses that word.  You can invite people over to just hang out and do whatever you are doing at the time without changing your schedule to provide for their amusement.  Psalm 68:6 says “God sets the lonely in families.”  That might mean that sometimes he actually gives them a family, like through adoption or marriage, but it also can be that God just gives a place for lonely people to hang out in existing families.   

So let’s make an effort this week to include single people, older people, new people in our group activities.  We can trust God to create the relationships.  We just provide the opportunities.